At the moment, I'm reading "In the hands of a Mischievous God" by Theodora Sarah Abigail. I just pick up these book as my monthly reading, one of my new year resolution. And so far, Theodora just speaks my deep-full thought so loud. It's hard being a woman. Yeah. Sometime, I hate being a woman. I hate being challenged as a woman in these world, a role that people said a second class, a sidekick, a companion. I'm not a feminist, because sometime I like being that role, a sidekick, but not that I'm pro men too. I lived in Asia, where women are demanded to find male companion, get married and have children, not just any children, but a male child to continue your husband's name. And living in Indonesia, where there is an endless chain of questions, start from "Do you have a boyfriend?" , "When you will get married?", "Pregnant yet?", "When will you have your second children?", "Where do your kids go to school?" etc. It will be endless. I hate how my father always push marriage to me. And lately, I replied to him, the world has changed, I wasn't born to be married and bear children. Well, if I want to continue, I could but I don't want to hurt him. I mean if God wants me to have children, why he made me imperfect down there. ( I have pcos ) I want to say the idea of marriage and the dream having my own family has been broken since I found out that fertility is a challenge for me. So I closed my heart really tight. Not that I'm not looking. I'm looking. I love the idea of being in love, but yeah, probably I'm too afraid. Just yesterday, I had these commitment issue dream. Currently, I'm close with someone, then I dreamed that we are somehow close to be engaged, like I was driving with my father to have a family meeting with his, then suddenly I had anxiety attack, and I just cried my eyes out. Am I unconsciously afraid of commitment? I said to my friends, that I think I love myself too much, that I don't like the idea of getting hurt, getting heartbroken, when I told someone that there's a possibility I could never have his children or tell his family. But my friends always ensure me, if I want it so bad, God will give a way. When I get to close with someone, I love the ideas of him, of us being together. But then, when we're getting really close, I will find something in him, that could be a deal-breaker. I will runaway if someone chases me so fast. But I will be bored and passively waiting, if he is so slow. I was in 2 years slow yes/no relationship, till I move on. And it already happened twice. I have those married friends that push me to find someone and joined the club. I also have single friends who also think marriage is still a far idea. And also I have a married friend, who said being married is suck because it need a lot of work, and it's not a happy ending people believe in movies and fairy tales.
I still remember the heavy talk with my single ladies, in four of us, only me who eager to get married and have children. They still think ow marriage is a lot of work, having children is another hard level of marriage. But then I said, I'm not saying that marriage is a happy ending that I want, I want a life companion. I love being alone right now, and probably enjoy it too much. But yeah, there are times that I want those life companion to share with. I still remember the lowest point in my life, I just lost my first brother so sudden, and then just two days after we cremated his body, my father was too shocked to lost his first son, his body just gave up and went to ICU. That time, I was alone at the hospital where the doctor took him to ICU. I still remember, my mother at home, was too sad to do anything, there was only me. I called my second brother and I couldn't speak at all, just cried at the phone. I did't have someone to lean on, I felt really alone at that moment. I cried alone at my father's empty room. I told my friends, I said to them, that they lucky still have a complete family. All of them are still have two healthy parents and unmarried siblings. Not that I'm grateful, but let's face the fact. My father had cancer, he always thinks that his days are numbered, he said that he wanted to see me to get married before he passed. My mother has diabetes. My older brother were passed away. My second brother is married and has his own family. And me, I just have my dog, Summer. So having life companion is a goal for me, we want someone to lean on. I tried my best to open up the wall that I've been built for so long. I tried to say to my self that if we dared to be happy, we also dared a chance to be hurt. I'm sorry for rambling my thoughts, maybe the book, or maybe because I just watched Stepford Wives, or the combination of two.
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These post is about two girls I knew via online game, at a different time, but both have similar habit of playing with men. I had different role in both stories. I learned my lessons, and move on. But I want to remind myself, and tell you about what you would get by hanging around with toxic people. These is all true story, that I learned myself. I also don't want to mention any real names. KLMN Story It might be confusing to keep up, but I will try to make it simple. So, I have a friend, K, who invited me to play an online game. She said that her other friends was played also, so we could team up and leveling really fast. K introduced me with her friends, and two of them are a couple, named L and M. Unknown for me, L and K had history, they were close in high school, until L stabbed her in the back by dating K's boyfriend at the time. Even though K didn't like the fact that L was with M at that time, she didn't want to say anything, just hoped L was changed. Move on. After played together, K found out somehow, that L was cheating on M, with N. Since L and M was long distanced between two cities ( imagine New York and New Jersey), L often plays together with N. N told people, including me, that he dates L "secretly". You know how to identify a player. First, she doesn't want to break up with her current boyfriend with many reasons. She just want you as her back-up or toy, she wants a stable relationship with her current boyfriend, but still want you as companion. L told N, that she couldn't break up with M because of the close bonds between families. But for us, the outsiders, L just wanted M for facilities, stability, M is a successful entrepreneur, while N was no one. I believe L likes N because he adores her, and he is near (within the same city), or just simply sex. Who am I in the these story? I was a girl who secretly has a crush with M. When K knew it, she planned to break L and M's relationship. Because she just couldn't stand it anymore, and M was too good for player like L. K told M the truth about L and N, she showed the proofs. M was heart-broken. L was begging K to stop it. L told M, that she was deceived by N, and she was sorry about it. But in the end, for families reason, M forgave L, he blamed N for everything, and I don't know why, both L and M cut relationship with K. The ending
Well after all the drama, I lost contact with L, M and N. But still facebook friends with all three of them. I heard that L was still cheating on N behind M's back, until N found out about the third guy. But in the end, she found another guy who was more rich than M, She broke up with M, and married these new guy instantly. Now, she has two children with her husband. I don't know if she was still a player behind her husband's back, hopefully not. I'm not in touch with her not so ever, just facebook friend. I don't get M either, he ended up married another girl. We're all moving on. Who said dating nowadays is easy, was lying. It's hard to find a people who you will compatible with. Yeah, you can said it's easy if you just want to hook up. I'm already in one social dating sites for I don't know how long, one of my friend already married with the boy she met online. I'm happy for her, and she always pushes me to find one, she is afraid of me ended up lonely, and thank you for that. But I don't need one more person to remind me why I'm still single. But while I'm on these dating sites, I've meet three boys that I knew in real life who has a relationship but still lurking around in dating sites. #1 The first male friend that I found out lurking in social media, was my high school friends. He and his fiancee was high-school sweethearts, so I know both of them. It's only months away, they will get married, and I found him online. Since I'm not close with both of them, so I just blind side my eye for a while. Probably he was bored and curious before making a big commitment. #2 The second male friend that I found was also in status of somebody's fiance. I still remember correctly that I just saw him proposing to his fiancee just days before. Then I found him on social dating apps. I knew him, and he has a cheating history once. Well, since I know him as my friend, and I don't know his fiancee, so I just let it go. My friends told me probably it's his old account that never got deleted. Well, all I know is if you don't open your account, you wouldn't be showed up. #3
The third male friend is the one that unforgivable. One, he is married to my friend. Second, his marriages was only in May, 7 months a go, and he is already cheating. Third, his wife or my friend is pregnant now. Four, he is definitely ONLINE, so it's not his "account that he forget he has" I told my friends about it (not his wife) that I found my other friend's husband online in social dating apps, they also speechless, but I decided not to meddling in someone else's marriage, because I learned my lesson recently (another story another time). I opened his profile, and he is definitely looking for SEX. He stated his location is Jakarta, well my friend lives in another city, as far as I know. I know they did long distance relationship, but I never asked how it would change after marriage, but I guess I found out it's not changed. Oh yeah,I also found in his social media pages, he never post anything about his wife. And any posts that my friend tagged him was removed. Hmm, really!!?? I meant my friends (#1 and #2)'s social media profiles still contains many picture with their girlfriends / fiancees, but #3 intentionally removed every tag his wife did, that means he does want to cheat, I assume. So, what do you think? I mean, if you are in strong and solid relationship, you would never ever think about chatting someone else in social dating, right? Would you say it's cheating? Well, I say it's cheating. I could forgive #1 and #2 since they're not married yet. But #3, really? While your wife is pregnant? |
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