At the moment, I'm reading "In the hands of a Mischievous God" by Theodora Sarah Abigail. I just pick up these book as my monthly reading, one of my new year resolution. And so far, Theodora just speaks my deep-full thought so loud. It's hard being a woman. Yeah. Sometime, I hate being a woman. I hate being challenged as a woman in these world, a role that people said a second class, a sidekick, a companion. I'm not a feminist, because sometime I like being that role, a sidekick, but not that I'm pro men too. I lived in Asia, where women are demanded to find male companion, get married and have children, not just any children, but a male child to continue your husband's name. And living in Indonesia, where there is an endless chain of questions, start from "Do you have a boyfriend?" , "When you will get married?", "Pregnant yet?", "When will you have your second children?", "Where do your kids go to school?" etc. It will be endless. I hate how my father always push marriage to me. And lately, I replied to him, the world has changed, I wasn't born to be married and bear children. Well, if I want to continue, I could but I don't want to hurt him. I mean if God wants me to have children, why he made me imperfect down there. ( I have pcos ) I want to say the idea of marriage and the dream having my own family has been broken since I found out that fertility is a challenge for me. So I closed my heart really tight. Not that I'm not looking. I'm looking. I love the idea of being in love, but yeah, probably I'm too afraid. Just yesterday, I had these commitment issue dream. Currently, I'm close with someone, then I dreamed that we are somehow close to be engaged, like I was driving with my father to have a family meeting with his, then suddenly I had anxiety attack, and I just cried my eyes out. Am I unconsciously afraid of commitment? I said to my friends, that I think I love myself too much, that I don't like the idea of getting hurt, getting heartbroken, when I told someone that there's a possibility I could never have his children or tell his family. But my friends always ensure me, if I want it so bad, God will give a way. When I get to close with someone, I love the ideas of him, of us being together. But then, when we're getting really close, I will find something in him, that could be a deal-breaker. I will runaway if someone chases me so fast. But I will be bored and passively waiting, if he is so slow. I was in 2 years slow yes/no relationship, till I move on. And it already happened twice. I have those married friends that push me to find someone and joined the club. I also have single friends who also think marriage is still a far idea. And also I have a married friend, who said being married is suck because it need a lot of work, and it's not a happy ending people believe in movies and fairy tales.
I still remember the heavy talk with my single ladies, in four of us, only me who eager to get married and have children. They still think ow marriage is a lot of work, having children is another hard level of marriage. But then I said, I'm not saying that marriage is a happy ending that I want, I want a life companion. I love being alone right now, and probably enjoy it too much. But yeah, there are times that I want those life companion to share with. I still remember the lowest point in my life, I just lost my first brother so sudden, and then just two days after we cremated his body, my father was too shocked to lost his first son, his body just gave up and went to ICU. That time, I was alone at the hospital where the doctor took him to ICU. I still remember, my mother at home, was too sad to do anything, there was only me. I called my second brother and I couldn't speak at all, just cried at the phone. I did't have someone to lean on, I felt really alone at that moment. I cried alone at my father's empty room. I told my friends, I said to them, that they lucky still have a complete family. All of them are still have two healthy parents and unmarried siblings. Not that I'm grateful, but let's face the fact. My father had cancer, he always thinks that his days are numbered, he said that he wanted to see me to get married before he passed. My mother has diabetes. My older brother were passed away. My second brother is married and has his own family. And me, I just have my dog, Summer. So having life companion is a goal for me, we want someone to lean on. I tried my best to open up the wall that I've been built for so long. I tried to say to my self that if we dared to be happy, we also dared a chance to be hurt. I'm sorry for rambling my thoughts, maybe the book, or maybe because I just watched Stepford Wives, or the combination of two.
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