My friend gave me the picture above to me. In english it was written : Freedom of Religion is bullshit As newborn, we are taught to follow our parent's religion. Growing up we are taught that our own religion is the right one. As adult, if we decided to choose another religion, we're suddenly called hostile in the family and considered as a disgrace. I'm not consider myself an atheist. An agnostic, maybe. A catholic, probably. But religion is a sensitive thing. War could be started in the name of religion. And living in Muslim country are another sensitive experiences. The first time I heard about "agama" or religion was when I was a five / six years old child. My kinder-garden and elementary school provided all five religion lecturers. My teacher asked me what was my religion, and I don't understand what did she mean, so she told me to ask my parent's religion. That's it. As a child, I need to follow my parent's religion. So, I asked my father about it. He also didn't really understand, and just because he is Chinese, he considered himself a Buddhist. So, I learned Buddha for the 6-8 years of my early life, just because it was needed for my grade. I still remember, in my third grade, I was becoming friend with a christian girl. She asked me to join her in religion class. So, when there's a time for religion class, we are needed to move to our own religion's assigned class. I was Buddhist so I need to move to my assigned Buddha Class, to learn about Buddha. And because of her, I decided to move to Christian Class. Probably just 15 minutes in the new class learning about Jesus Christ, I was called by my Buddha's Teacher and asked why I was in the wrong class, I replied to him that I wanted to changed my religion. Then he asked me if I have a parent's permission. Well, I didn't know that I need my parent's permission to change my belief, because back then I don't think it was that big of deal about religion. I don't remember if I talked to my parents or not. So let me tell you about family back then. My parents are not religious, they neither pray or go to church. My two brothers in other hands are sunday schooled, because they wanted to. I also don't remember how and why my brothers become Catholic while I become Buddhist. I was jealous of my brothers, because in December they got presents from Santa. And because I'm Buddhist, I didn't. Yeah, probably Santa was the one that made me wanted to change my religion. LOL. I don't remember exactly, but there was a time when I went to christian church. I followed my cousin or followed my friends, but yeah there was a time I tried to go to church regularly, my parents allowed it, they don't really care about religion at that time. I studied in a catholic school for my junior high and high school days. I was taught of being a catholic for six years. I went to catholic church because of my school's mandatory activities. From Buddhist, to Christian, then now Catholic, I could say that I felt comfortable being a catholic. I loved their churches, I could say that I'm in peace inside Catholic Church. Even though for six years I learned in Catholic School, I hadn't formally converted as one, until I graduated. In my senior year of high school, there was a tragedy in family. Our family shops was in fire accident, everything burn out, and my father was getting too stressed, he lost a lot of money in the fire. I was ignorant teenager, even now, but I heard it from my mom, my Dad started going to the Church, invited by his friend. Like me, a long time a go, he went to different churches every Sunday, he tried to find the right church or community for him to fit in. Yeah he tried churches like it was clothes. And yes, a christian protestant church. There are too many Christian Churches in Jakarta, and it was easy to build one, all you need are a large space, chairs, speakers and music. It tickles me, how there could be 2-3 "christian churches" inside a shopping mall. I'm not comfortable in Christian church, probably because I'm not used to. Singing endlessly, dances endlessly, and then their pastors rambling about bible. And some pastors, I found, they pictures themselves highly below God, and asked everyone to donate their dimes to them (so he could live prosperously). I hate their "kepahitan" and "perpuluhan" term like taxes we couldn't avoid. And if we avoid "perpuluhan", they accuse we are avoiding or stealing from God. I was a Buddhist once, then a Catholic, both religions are peace-ly celebrated on weekly basis. When I went to Christian Protestant Church, it was too noisy. Back to the topic, my parents went to churches secretly behind my grandmother who strongly against it, she was a true Buddhist in our family. But you could see there were changes in my home, all Buddha related statues was secretly thrown out. When my grandmother passed away, there were no more Chinese Praying Related in the house anymore. My big families suddenly become a strict Christian Protestant Family. Because I was never converted to one, my parents saw me an religion - less girl still. So they demanded me to go to their churches, and convert to a christian. I declined it, because I never comfortable inside Christian Protestant Church. Their demands become so annoying, that I wanted to sue them for my religion right. They sometime speaks some close minded judgement, like they believe Adam and Eve are the first human literally, they saw their pastors like the most unsinfull human in the world, they think people outside their religion are sinners. Not just them, like my cousins speaking about homosexuality like a bad diseases, how they choose Trumps more than Hillary, because Hillary support abortion. I felt like I'm a black sheep in the family, because I secretly disagree with all of them. Until now, my parents still pushed me to their church, I hate being in Christian's churches because their noisy activities, and their people tends to socialize too much, or because I see their smiles being too fake. My father had cancer, so many noisy Christians come to pray for him. Once, these guy with his church friends came to home, these pastor of his church started asked bunch of questions about my father's cancer. In the end they started praying, they not me, because I was asked to taped and took their pictures of praying. Oh my God! I'm his daughter and they rather wanted me to took pictures of them than praying with them. I love my Catholic Church, because I love and enjoying being alone, praying to God peacefully, I love how every catholic churches in the world are being taught with the same values every week, not like Christian Church, whatever their pastors want to say every week. I'm not saying Catholic is the right religion in the world. But until now, it's the religion that comfort me. I was finally converted into Catholic in 2011/2012, I believe. It's all because my first brother, and for my sister in-law's companion's sake. I chose my baptism name as Elizabeth, because her story to be miraculously pregnant in her age touches my heart. There are some aspects that I also disagree with Catholic, like using birth control, homosexuality, etc. Sometime, there's a doubt within me believing God. And as catholic, I shouldn't have those doubt. I hate when people says "it happened for God's reason." Once my parent's friend say it in a room where my brother just passed away. So, you're just saying, God took away my brother for a reason, kill him in his sleep so his infant baby grows up without a father. Or doubt like God created me to be fertility-challenged for what reason? Because hey, probably God doesn't want me to get married and give birth to a human-being. Because I was a Buddhist in my early years, I believe in reincarnation. Even until now, it always fascinated me. If I could, I want to get deep hypnotized, so I could know how many time I've been reincarnated. What did past-me do that God give me these current life? Buddha also taught me that thinking of doing something bad is already a sin. And also, I believe in Karma. My friends once told me if there is one thing she could delete from the world, she will choose religion but not God. And then I replied to her, if there is no religion, there is no God. And then my religious friend stared me questionably. I explains to her, if there is a God, it will always be a religion. Religion is created to control masses, without these beliefs about after-life, people will do whatever they please to do, and sometime because of their bible, they too, can think they are allowed to do everything to please God.
With my open-minded mind, my logical mind, I considered myself as Agnostic nowadays. I'm a going-to-church-on-Christmas and Easter-only kind of person now. As an adult, I'm more cynical about everything. And I hate, people use religion to right their wrong-doing, like those in Handmaid's Tale. But still, sometimes, in a fragile moment, I need God to lean on. I need God to turned my faith around, to believe there's something out there that controls everything, that will give me something that I hope and need somehow. Another post with bahasa... Udah 2 minggu ini, badan gatal2 setelah mandi. Sebenernya sudah dimulai sejak entah kapan, tapi datang dan pergi, ga selalu habis mandi. Tetapi belakangan pasti setelah mandi, makanya jadi males mandi.. hahaha.. lebih memilih ga mandi daripada harus menderita gatal seluruh badan. Akhirnya ga bisa fokus korean skin care full 10 steps. Anehnya atau untungnya muka ga terpengaruh, tetapi badan, dari dada, tangan, kaki ampe kadang alat vital pun bisa gatel ga jelas kenapa. Dan hari ini habis mandi, langsung gatal seluruh badan sampai bingung mau garuk yang mana, akhirnya cuma bisa menikmati gatalnya tanpa menggaruk. Oh iya gatal tanpa ada terlihat jelas ada perubahan di kulit, seperti sisik bentol atau apapun tidak ada. Kemaren sempet ada bintik2 tapi ga lama hilang, malah yang ada luka karena keasikkan garuk-garuk. Dalam 2 minggu, udah 2 kali terbangun pas tidur karena gatel di punggung. Nyokap ada ngomong suru minum obat cacing. Sampai sekarang sih curiga ke air tanah (karena di rumah mandi air tanah), dari 5 orang di rumah, 2 orang gatal makanya curiga ke sana. Tetapi ART yang gatal beda, kulitnya jadi flek-flek gitu. Karena curiga ama air tanah di rumah, udah 3 kali memutuskan mandi di kantor aja, yang walau sama-sama air tanah tetapi beda area. Selama mandi di kantor sih masih gatal tapi berkurang jauh. Bisa kebetulan atau bener-bener ngefek, ga jelas juga, karena pas mandi ke 2 kali masih gatel-gatel juga tapi langsung hilang. Gara-gara teman ada sebut air tanah nya di filter, jadi inget pernah liat ada celebgram pernah nge post dia mandi pake shower head yang difilter dan ada injeksi vitamin C nya. Memang dia post pasti karena di sponsor, tetapi yah coba aja. setelah search ternyata harganya lumayan pricey, hampir 1 juta. Itupun belum termasuk tabung vitamin C nya yang harus diganti entah setiap berapa lama sekali. Akhirnya beli versi murahnya di tokopedia, sama-sama filter shower head, karena yang dicari memang filternya bukan si vitamin C nya.
Nah yang ke dua, baru saja tadi pagi, dan akhirnya datang lagi tuh gatal seluruh badan. Saking gatalnya, sampai bingung mau garuk yang mana. Akhirnya nyerah, memutuskan mencoba menikmati gatal nya. Ketika diam, tiduran dan mencoba tenang membiarkan gatalnya datang, bener-bener beda rasanya, tiba-tiba kerasa aja di badan kaya tiba-tiba ada tombol gatel di badan dipencet sana sini muncul-muncul semua. Kalo bisa nyala, udah nyala lampu gatal di badan di sana sini. Sudah pake lotion dan Caladine biar meredakan tapi ga ngefek, gatelnya terus-terusan selama 15 menit. Ipar punya cerita yang hampir sama sebenernya, dia sudah ke dokter alergi dan dibilangnya dia ada penyakit autoimun. Ipar orangnya bersih banget, saking bersihnya, si imun badan dia ga punya kerjaan dan mencoba menyerang badan sendiri, jadilah gatal-gatal dia. Solusi untuk ipar adalah memberi badannya bakteri baik buat jadi tugas si imun atau singkatnya, minum yakult setiap hari. Nah kalo dia orangnya bersih, saya tidak bisa dibilang bersih. Hahaha.. Tapi kalo dimasukkin logika, itu bener, kalo ga mandi, badan kan kotor, ga ada gatal. Tapi masa ga mandi seumur hidup, jadi inget si dekil dari komik Monika (ada yang baca juga?), yang alergi banget sama air. Move on dari Dekil. Coba google google penyakit (ga disarankan karena kadang yang ada bikin takut dan parno), ketemu namanya Aquagenic Pruritus, yang sampai sekarang sih penjelasannya paling masuk akal, yaitu penyakit di mana penderita nya mengalami gatal-gatal setelah tersentuh air atau terpapar udara lembab, tanpa terdapat gejala kasat mata. Dan baca-baca, tidak ada obatnya karena tidak diketahui penyebabnya. Dokter paling hanya memberikan obat untuk mengurangi rasa gatalnya.
Masih mau mencoba berjuang, walau kadang suka ngomong ga suka mandi, tapi ketika tidak bisa mandi, menderita juga. Ada yang nyeletuk bercanda coba mandi pake air Aqua, ngaruh tidak kalo bener alergi air tanah. Next, mau mencoba mandi pake dettol. Oh ya, kalo ngomongin sabun, sabun yang dipake sih sabun cair nya Dettol, yang udah bertahun-tahun dipakai tidak masalah. At the moment, I'm reading "In the hands of a Mischievous God" by Theodora Sarah Abigail. I just pick up these book as my monthly reading, one of my new year resolution. And so far, Theodora just speaks my deep-full thought so loud. It's hard being a woman. Yeah. Sometime, I hate being a woman. I hate being challenged as a woman in these world, a role that people said a second class, a sidekick, a companion. I'm not a feminist, because sometime I like being that role, a sidekick, but not that I'm pro men too. I lived in Asia, where women are demanded to find male companion, get married and have children, not just any children, but a male child to continue your husband's name. And living in Indonesia, where there is an endless chain of questions, start from "Do you have a boyfriend?" , "When you will get married?", "Pregnant yet?", "When will you have your second children?", "Where do your kids go to school?" etc. It will be endless. I hate how my father always push marriage to me. And lately, I replied to him, the world has changed, I wasn't born to be married and bear children. Well, if I want to continue, I could but I don't want to hurt him. I mean if God wants me to have children, why he made me imperfect down there. ( I have pcos ) I want to say the idea of marriage and the dream having my own family has been broken since I found out that fertility is a challenge for me. So I closed my heart really tight. Not that I'm not looking. I'm looking. I love the idea of being in love, but yeah, probably I'm too afraid. Just yesterday, I had these commitment issue dream. Currently, I'm close with someone, then I dreamed that we are somehow close to be engaged, like I was driving with my father to have a family meeting with his, then suddenly I had anxiety attack, and I just cried my eyes out. Am I unconsciously afraid of commitment? I said to my friends, that I think I love myself too much, that I don't like the idea of getting hurt, getting heartbroken, when I told someone that there's a possibility I could never have his children or tell his family. But my friends always ensure me, if I want it so bad, God will give a way. When I get to close with someone, I love the ideas of him, of us being together. But then, when we're getting really close, I will find something in him, that could be a deal-breaker. I will runaway if someone chases me so fast. But I will be bored and passively waiting, if he is so slow. I was in 2 years slow yes/no relationship, till I move on. And it already happened twice. I have those married friends that push me to find someone and joined the club. I also have single friends who also think marriage is still a far idea. And also I have a married friend, who said being married is suck because it need a lot of work, and it's not a happy ending people believe in movies and fairy tales.
I still remember the heavy talk with my single ladies, in four of us, only me who eager to get married and have children. They still think ow marriage is a lot of work, having children is another hard level of marriage. But then I said, I'm not saying that marriage is a happy ending that I want, I want a life companion. I love being alone right now, and probably enjoy it too much. But yeah, there are times that I want those life companion to share with. I still remember the lowest point in my life, I just lost my first brother so sudden, and then just two days after we cremated his body, my father was too shocked to lost his first son, his body just gave up and went to ICU. That time, I was alone at the hospital where the doctor took him to ICU. I still remember, my mother at home, was too sad to do anything, there was only me. I called my second brother and I couldn't speak at all, just cried at the phone. I did't have someone to lean on, I felt really alone at that moment. I cried alone at my father's empty room. I told my friends, I said to them, that they lucky still have a complete family. All of them are still have two healthy parents and unmarried siblings. Not that I'm grateful, but let's face the fact. My father had cancer, he always thinks that his days are numbered, he said that he wanted to see me to get married before he passed. My mother has diabetes. My older brother were passed away. My second brother is married and has his own family. And me, I just have my dog, Summer. So having life companion is a goal for me, we want someone to lean on. I tried my best to open up the wall that I've been built for so long. I tried to say to my self that if we dared to be happy, we also dared a chance to be hurt. I'm sorry for rambling my thoughts, maybe the book, or maybe because I just watched Stepford Wives, or the combination of two. |
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